I ended things with Kyan last night after he didn’t bother returning a video call. Like we live in different fucking continents.
Super tired, super dramatic text.
Insert Sorry – Beyonce.mp3
I ended things with Kyan last night after he didn’t bother returning a video call. Like we live in different fucking continents.
Super tired, super dramatic text.
Insert Sorry – Beyonce.mp3
It’s been a long time since my last post. I apologise profusely. So much has been happening in my career this past week I’ve had to take time out to concentrate. A project was finally released. Another is in its final stages of editing. One project I’ve worked on will premiere at a major festival. On top of that, I got a random awesome job offer out of nowhere.
In the midst of all this, my social life has continued to wreak havoc! haha. I’ve barely been on apps so it’s all the same players but that tangled web continues to weave.
Kyan is still in my life despite my previous post about dropping him. We met up once more and again it’s awesome when we are together one-on-one. I don’t know, I’m just gonna navigate how I feel. It’s a total mind fuck, really.
Reggie is cute, but is the polar opposite of Kyan. Way too attention and clingy. In fact, I’ve noted some of his tactics so I can avoid doing that to other guys. lol. He’s a nice enough guy and someone I would like to continue a friendship with.
Hmmm there’s about 3 other guys on my options list, as it were but I can’t be bothered to write down descriptions since that’s a bit too much and I have a ton of work to get back too. I just wanted a quick summary really lol.
There’s also an artist I’ve been chatting to from America. We’ve chatted for six months now. And it is getting intense. Yesterday he suggested we FaceTime. Big step, you guys I know lol. We’ve graduated to that level now, apparently. I’m not sure how I feel about LDR to be honest but we snapchat, instagram, social media DM each other all the time I’m looking forward to it.
I have about 40 posts worth of content I’d like to write but I think as a catch up this is fine for now. At least you know I haven’t ditched this blog completely.
This thing with Kyan has been going on for a little over 2 weeks now and I think I’m ready to bounce. I’ve gone through an emotional rollercoaster – the highs when we connect and talk one-on-one for me is like no other guy in years. But I’ve also faced crippling lows of his questionable trip in Melbourne and him being unavailable to meet these past few days due to a convenient illness. I feel like I’m going on this rollercoaster alone, too. I’ve already graduated to certain levels on this thing, while I feel like he’s still stuck at getting to know me.
I’ve been such a ghost, not wanting to interact or socialise with others after work or on weekends. I find dating other men a bore because I just think about Kyan when I’m with them or glance at my phone.
This weekend I found myself reading online steps in recognising if He’s Just Not That Into You. You know that self help book based on the Sex and the City episode about men who want to bitch out from telling you to leave him alone. Hell I even watched the fucking movie. Okay, I just watched clips on YouTube because I will never watch that piece of shit movie ever again. Watching that film once was enough torture. Kyan, however, basically passed every step. He did the opposite of the warning flags they believe indicates if a guy’s not interested.
I was telling Reina tonight online – I hate Kyan so fucking much but also like him a lot. Really like him.
What the fuck is going on? I like this guy way too much than he does me at this early stage. I’m like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and I will not be ignored.
Okay I know…if the shoe was on the other foot I would be blocking my number for this stage 5 clinger behaviour. But he’s no saint either. He’s clearly got unresolved chemistry with his ex(es) and he also is quite arrogant and selfish in his actions. There needs to be balance in getting to know one another. He barely has bothered to get to know me. The guys who I started to see a few days ago know more about me after one date compared to Kyan.
Nonetheless, even though I recognise he is 100% terrible for me and my personality type I can’t get him out of my head like I can usually do with every other guy I date. The progress and speed of our thing seems normal if you read it on this blog (2 weeks, a date and a meet up with daily texts, calls and video calls). But going through it, it’s unbearable. I can’t take it. I want to see more of him.
We’re meeting early this week but honestly, I’m so over it. I’ve been flip-flopping since his Melbourne trip but the longer we’re apart the closer I am to just not bothering anymore. It’s even worse that my phone is bombarded hourly by a circuit of guys constantly but again it’s not the attention that I want. What I want is Kyan; so much so I might just drop him and try with someone else.
But usually after I say “I’m done”, Kyan has a tendency to reply back perfectly and charm his way back.
PS you’ll be pleased to know I’ve actually done some great in roads for my projects. I haven’t gone totally obsessed with this man.
I don’t even know where to start you guys. It’s been a hectic few days. I’ve talked to everyone and their aunt about my situation with Kyan. I’ve heard everything from my male friends telling me to chill out, you just met him and you’re not exclusive to my girl friends at work telling me he ain’t shit and that what he did was unacceptable for this early stage.
I’ve heard from everyone but Kyan.
In true form, I organised a convoluted and highly comical night tonight. I was going on another dinner with one of the guys I decided to date to spitefully get back at Kyan. His name is Reggie. I also squished in a coffee date with the man himself. Not dinner – just coffee. One of my girl friends snorted out when I told her, “what the fuck“. I agreed, it sounded like a cheesy 90s sitcom plot.
My exchanges with Kyan have been minimal. It was weird because he usually would text me at least a “good morning” and by ‘usually’ I mean compared to how he texted me the week prior since I just met the guy. Yes I know I sound clingy AF. Throughout this thing my over the top reactions and feelings have shocked even myself. I typically have a super chill and easy going attitude when it comes to dating and meeting new guys.
Kyan texted me in the morning. He’s sick. He’s going to the doctors. He’s off work today. I suggested to reschedule our coffee date. Maybe he could sense that I was planning to tear him a new one and rip him to shreds if things took an unfavourable turn during my interrogation. He asked if we could meet when he’s better and if we could at least video call together tonight. I was a little annoyed; I had packed my contact lenses, BB cream, hair products, concealer and worn a specific outfit to work just for tonight.
I immediately texted Reggie to confirm our meet. He was still keen and excitedly told me he was bringing home-made quiche and goodies. Bless his heart. I also continued texting this really sweet dude I met on Jackd a few days ago. He seemed familiar; I actually found him when I was casually looking through my 800+ matches on Tinder on the train. I talked to him there too. We texted the whole day. Really chill guy. I rate him.
After work, I went to Town Hall to meet Reggie. This was our second meet up. We sat in a park and ate his quiche and goodies. Although this was our second meet up I was still taken aback by how thoughtful and genuinely sweet he is. We had Japanese noodles after and I suggested a walk through Darling Harbour. Reggie and I have such common interests, especially music, we’re kindred spirits for sure. It’s so easy to talk to him and easily segue from chatting about politics and Hollywood diversity to deeper talks about our family and our past.
As I spoke to Freddy the other night, hanging with Reggie and chatting to other guys on apps made me realise I have so many options and it’s ridiculous to get hung up over just one guy who I just met. Especially a guy that I was unsure of what he wanted from our connection.
It was this confidence that gave me the cahones to put my dick on the table and directly talk to Kyan. Talk to him about all the thoughts and feelings I’ve mulled over the entire weekend. I bitched out a little by texting him instead. Emmett would be proud that I didn’t go crazy clinger mode with my texting. I read the texts back. They were mature, to the point and 100% honest.
Even if Kyan didn’t respond I felt good that I had said my piece in a constructive way.
One of my old girlfriends Jacinta called me too. It was about our possible Europe trip this year. It was revitalising making further plans about it. I hope we go, it would be fantastic and much needed.
I took my clothes off and tucked in for bed. Really positive about the future.
Then my phone buzzed. Kyan wanted to Face Time. I raced to get ready. I was like Meryl Streep getting ready to see Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her:
I answered. We talked. He explained his side. I sassed. The call lasted 1 hour and a half. As he played me some music on his piano, I couldn’t help but get lost in my own thought. About this tangled mess. His trip. My dates. If I looked thin enough in my box on the Face Time chat window. He kept playing. Goddamn this boy is so fucking cute.
The night indeed recalled a 90s sitcom but I felt a lot better talking to him. Maybe I should’ve spoken to him straight up as soon as he returned rather than fret and worry and discuss it with everybody else. I guess that requires a degree of maturity and common sense I clearly have an aversion to.
I have a few invites from different sets of friends for Friday night. Honestly I just wanted to go back to my apartment, crawl into my bed and Netflix my confusion away. Kyan suggested we hang.
I don’t know where this is all going, but best believe I have options. I may have forgotten this fact for a few days there, but Asher Pablo always has options.
My apologies guys! It’s been such a busy few days – a total mess really I have not had the time to sit back, reflect and debrief. My whole thing with Kyan is still ongoing and a new thing with one of my revenge dates is growing. This is compounded with the fact that I have pressing deadlines for one of my projects next week. Good lord.
I’ll try to relive and recount the mess of this whole situation in the next few days while I struggle to finish my project.
Throughout all this though, I’ve been constantly harassing my friends through texts, instant messages and calls. I really think I need detox and slow down dating, I swear. It’s taken over. My poor friends, I feel like they just want to tell me to go to a therapist just like Carrie in this episode of Sex and the City:
Good lord if I had to type up every sordid detail of this weekend I’d write up a whole novel. So much happened. It’s nice to know my gay social life has finally picked up in my mid-20s, which let’s be real is middle age for gay men, anyway.
I got absolutely seething tonight so to spare you a long, poorly written diatribe due to my aforementioned seething, I’ll be selective in details lol
I had my first milestone; I had my first hook up ever. Ever. Ever. Ever ever ever ever. Yes, I finally did it. It was with someone I have mentioned on this blog in the past. I won’t name who it is to be coy and for a little mystery. It was pretty obvious what was going to happen since we agreed to meet past 9pm for “drinks and movies” at mine. We watched zero movies that night.
But in true Asher fashion I kind of stuffed it up. He stayed over. He headed to Melbourne the next day straight after work so he even brought his hand carry. Because we had been talking for a long time, we talked for hours. It was all cool. I knew there was a reason I had even gone so far as to stop checking my regular dating apps in favour of just talking to this guy. I met up with Freddy the next day on Saturday. Initially I just referred to this guy as a hook up. I was even down for exploring the concept of fuck buddy with him, to be frank. However something flipped that day and to save you the inane details of our conversation I realised maybe this guy’s looking for something more. He did state that during our time together that night. Not commitment, but plans you know? So when I was shopping with Freddy I got curious about it. It’s me, Asher, so of course by today – Sunday – those ideas brewed into something bigger. I had more expectations where this thing with this guy would lead. It’s been a long time since this has happened.
Things took a turn for the worse when I casually had a cheeky swipe at this guy’s Facebook. I knew he was hanging out with mates, including one of his ex’s who is now a close friend. They did the whole Melbourne routine – food, parks, etc. But now it was evening and the photo he uploaded was him in a hot tub with a guy I suspect is his ex. It didn’t help he captioned it with a 🔞 (no under 18) emoji. It also didn’t help that a bunch of gayasians catcalling them both as a couple and all in the comments. He’s one of those gay guys with 100s of friends who comment how hot he is every photo.
Yes, I know we’re not exclusive. There’s zero commitment. There’s no cheating. He’s definitely not my boyfriend.
But I still can’t feel a little hurt. We’ve talked for a bit, gone out for dates, slept with each other less than 48 hours before this hot tub photo, talked (briefly) about more dates in future and he’s texted me constantly all this time in between. I feel like this means you’re not really thinking of me. Even if you didn’t fuck him, a hot tub pic, really? Would you upload that if you were thinking of someone else? This is the situation I tried to fucking avoid. I always like to be in control. I always like to be the one who likes the other person less, so I can always exit the situation “cleaner”. I thought I could do something v casual like a hook up. I’m so angry at myself for getting attached way too quickly – I mean less than a day ago I was just fine with a NSA arrangement. How did I let myself escalate this situation in my head so fast?
But as you guys have read long enough now I recover quickly from these dating conundrums! I’ve come to accept that I completely overreacted and that this dude is entitled to do whatever he wants.
However, I’m also not here for that either. I can get mine too, you asshole. As I texted Freddy tonight I’m like…”do you know who I am?“. I went back on the apps and with five minutes, I replied back to my unanswered messages. I’m now locked in to a bunch of dates this week, including one of the guy’s own friends on Facebook. I will definitely upload a status update. I also started talking to this other guy again. We’ve talked for a few months now and we’ve always been keen to meet but never could coordinate the proper time. Until now of course. We’re meeting this week. He lives close by and was keen for a hook up. I refrained, insisting only on a meet up first. I don’t want to fuck up another hook up, right?
The date went well! Really great guy. Super HOT. Like oh my fucking god. But as I said to some of my friends, I’m a realist. I’ve had many amazing first dates with guys and then it takes a sour turn. Reina pointed this out to me hilariously, sassing me with “Message me in the morning. I’ve heard this all before. But I hope this sticks!” (note: paraphrased)
It was just so chill and fun and exciting. Kyan (let’s call him that) was better than I expected. Incredibly handsome and had confidence for days. We did dinner and drinks. Really, really cool guy. Moreover, for the first time in a long while my euphoric date high continued to the next morning. In fact, it continued the whole day. So great. This happens rarely to me.
I told my mates even if shit hits the fan, Imma enjoy this highhhhhhh
We’re meeting again soon. He wanted to hang out tonight actually but I vetoed against those plans because I already had stuff going on. Instead, he went out for dinner. I flicked through my Facebook on the way home and saw it was a male companion from the corner of the photo. I definitely saw man hands in the photo, guys. I thought this has happened to me before after a great date last year. The guy literally was also dating someone else and chose them ultimately. He was also kind of a sleaze who wanted to fuck the night I met him but I politely declined. Perhaps because I now have a year’s worth more experience of serial dating under my belt I didn’t feel jealous. I’ve now been in the other shoe many a times. I have empathy. I’ve found myself realising I am no longer the prey, I am the predator lol. Plus, my god I just met Kyan. Idgaf.
Incidentally, this position was also confirmed tonight. How convenient. As I was texting this guy, I got another from one of my new friends that I did a Surry Hills live post about. We’ve been texting back and forth but our schedules haven’t matched to organise a new meet. However we’re cool. Friends. Or so I thought.
We’ve been talking about beaches in Sydney ever since I invited him to a beach sesh last weekend. He was out of town and couldn’t make it.
Our conversation took a questionable turn when he suggested “a splash around in a hot bath instead“.
I was still texting Kyan at this point. I thought hmmm that’s a little suggestive but surely we’re just friends. I sent a generic reply.
Well, he sent back a pic of him in bed and suggested a bed instead.
I don’t know. Can you really have friends in the gay scene? (I know you can obvs, but I thought all signs with this dude pointed to just mates? haha)
I’m about 20 minutes away meeting someone for the first time lol
Ive been a bit slack with posts–so much to catch up on but I can’t post in depth right now. Instead I’ll just write about how I usually prepare since I am a mess right now! Where did it all go wrong??!!
Usually I’m v prepared. This is how I usually go on dates:
1) get ready (1 hour). Step out of the house. Look like the same disheveled mess I started off as, except my face is painted in 2 inches of BB cream.
2) rush to catch transport (don’t drive – I need drinks haha). Usually I’m just in the nick of time.
3) from the rushing I find myself sweating out BB cream profusely as I sit down
4) once sedentary I also text at least 2 people my location, esp if this is a new dude. When I’m close I crank open an energy drink and down it. No swallow! Lol jks.
5) once I reach my destination I find the nearest rest room, random back alley/wall or creepy alleyway to spray more fragrance, swallow 20 mints, spray mouth spritz, take a snapchat selfie, send GPS location to my mobile carrier and friends
6) casually stroll into the venue
I’m fast approaching. Wish me luck!